#36: I never liked your stuff anyway

[Two well-to-do ladies are visiting the studio of ‘g’ (the latest sensation from Leeds). An audience watches on tentatively. The artist stands in the corner in dungarees and paint.] -There’s always one. Every artist goes through this phase. He’s really playing with tone and flavour, but he’s… -You think he’s not followed through? -Maybe. It’s […]

#35: Gag Reflex (R&D)

READ ALOUD TO YOURSELF -I feel safe in my awkwardness That means that I relish the sickness I hold it close to my heart Protecting me I wear it well A fuzzy mask of sarcasm and cutting remarks I wear it so well People don’t see who I am Or they think I’m someone else […]

#34: Everywhere in halls around the country

-What made you choose your name? -It was my father’s surname -It’s beautiful. -Thanks. -Do you still speak to your father? -He’s not around anymore -Oh I’m sorry. -He died. -Yeah, that must be awful. -No, it’s… It was a long time again. I’ve not thought about him in a while. -Sorry. -He was a […]

#33.5 Hungover

Thanks.

#33: Gag Reflex (R&D 2)

[Philippa presses play. She stands for a long time before starting. If possible we fade it up on the second verse, rather than having the complete build up.] -All woman is mad hysterical All together en masse sing it now break down go on, break down in sobs and tears Why don’t we break it […]

#32: Teenager has angst, expresses it through writing, yuck.

I was wondering if you wanted to talk about how you’re feeling now. You can speak practically or abstractly. It’s fine, thanks. Do you have any more words? I don’t think so. Take your time. Ok [We sit in silence.] I was wondering if you could tell me about something that is concerning you. Right. […]

#28: Noise team

[WILL stands at MR. GRESHAM’s door.] -It’s everyday? -The noise? -Yes -Like non-stop party. You know beats, beats, beats -Ok. I understand. I’m going to write that down here -Good. It’s most of the time. They’re disturbing. I have to turn up the television. -I’ll make of that here. Anything more to add? -What are […]

#28.5: Christmas

John the fucking Baptist Halle-loofah Christmas in the bath wetting the baby’s head as he enters the books for the millionth and oneth time. Raise a bar of soap and some bubbles for the tiny Jesus swaddled by Mary guarded by Joseph Stare at the family who has made it through all the odds round […]

#29: Social Work is Hard Work

[IAN and JENNIFER are in their office. There are paper and computers. Both are too busy.] -We’re heading to the pub for a Christmas drink. You want to come with us? -Maybe -Jane’s coming -Really? Jane? -Jane never comes for a drink. -I know. How did you manage that? -It’s Christmas. You can’t ignore Christmas. […]

#30: Christmas Goes to the Dogs

[Two dugs are hanging out on Christmas Day. Wrapping paper and toys surround them. They look a bit tired. There is a bone on the floor amongst the chaos. MONTY sighs. JEFF looks around.] -Do you think we can get any turkey? -Don’t know -We’re not puppies anymore, Jeff. -All grown up! -I’m thirsty -Me […]

#31: Multiculturalism

[A patisserie school in the States. JIMMY is conducting a croissant making class. He is an enthusiastic Scot with a love of all things French. He has a French girlfriend called Celeste who he met on his gap yah. He’s a bit of a twat, but he really does mean well. He drops in and […]

#27: Saturday Night

[GAYNOR and FLAVIA are watching television.] -Why does she cry? -When she hangs up the phone? -Yes -She’s upset -And what are they talking about? -He loves her. -No he doesn’t! -Look, he just said it. -And now he’s telling her to go fuck herself. That’s not love -This man is a fucking dick -Can […]

#26: Gag Reflex (R&D)

[Philippa takes a breath. Exposition is over. The real work needs to begin.] [She drops the sick bag.] It was the tequila that tipped me over the edge moved me forward cleansed me and made it easy to take the next step. I have been drunk many times Haven’t we all? on wine on cider […]

#25: Facebook cull

Some people fall to the edge of the map They land in Antarctica Freeze panes and scroll Until disappearing completely No point in looking Or reaching out They’re gone now * In a rich woodland forest, a badger emerges from a sett that has been marked by a ranger. At a nearby tree the sound […]

#24: Do What U Want With Me

I had a thought once It wasn’t long But it’s like everything else It decays and slips away All left to do is dance Thank you for dancing. We can now go back to thought and conviction.

#23: Portions for Foxes

-Something breaks -A glass? -No -It’s like a biscuit -Crumbs? -Yeah, like that. But it disintegrates. It fall apart -Do you like cheesecake? -Not really. -I like raspberries -I hope you do. People should always like fruit. -It’s a healthy thing -Do you run? -What? -Do you jog? -Sometimes. When I feel like it. Sometimes […]

#22: Metaphors flying and smashing

[TOBI enters with a guitar.] [FRANK looks bemused.] -Do you play guitar? Do you play guitar? Can you play C? Can you play D minor? Do you know your fret board like the front of your hand? Like the tips of your fingers? Do you that? [TOBI takes out the guitar.] -So you do play […]

#242: Pear Trees

“Pear trees must be planted in pairs for cross-pollination.” -Hi Kirsten -You look tall today Henry -It’s probably just the wind. You look delightful. The sun is really working well with you -It’s so nice to see it -Look Kirsten, it’s been -I’m getting cut -No -I’m leaving -Sorry

#222: Do you have a wife?

[A busy bar in Soho.] -I’ve been drinking gin all night. What are you having? -I think I’ll have the same. -Excellent. I knew you were a gin boy when I saw you. Shall we be good and have Slimline? -Oh please, I only consume Slimline. The other stuff makes me bloated. -Are you really […]

#165: Stufffed

There’s all the time in the world to create inventory but why bother? He’s got a system covered by the mess The mess has its own inner magic He’s saved all his receipts and his mini half-used shampoo bottles from hotels he’s stayed at. Empty and expensive. A shelf holds each pair of glasses he’s […]