#232: A Love Letter from Glasgow to London

Remember Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)? Well, here’s a really, really, really, really, rubbish, quite ridiculous and nonsensical personal version of it, just for you…
History tells me that you were born on some date or other but you are much more wise, which makes me think you might be older, but not by too much, you’re cleverer than everyone I know and probably all the people that you know, but that’s ok, we don’t grudge you for it, because you are the best. Superb, in fact. Now some advice that I have to share with you before you leave, try not to spend all your money all in one go, remember that London is much more expensive than Glasgow in many different ways. Remember about Morrisons, Asda and Tesco and forget the fancy restaurants and silly overly-priced chicken soup from a brassiere, which is silly and shouldn’t have been ordered. Think about that. Think about an Oyster card and then think about getting one or charging an old one up – this will be your weapon against silly transportation costs and stupid ticket queues. Renew your Young Persons Railcard so you can come to Glasgow on the cheap. But NEVER, NEVER EVER invest in a car, because this is slippery slope. A car’s value depreciates the older it becomes, the complete opposite of a house that is currently being refurbished, and this makes it an unstable investment. You may consider getting a mortgage or a pair of glasses, but remember these things are for old people and you shouldn’t try and age too quickly. Wear contact lenses and keep renting apartments, because in the long run, your grandchildren will thank you. Dance at parties and sneak into celebrity events and keep insisting on having cava in your glass. If a man at a bar offers you a beer, insist on cava and all will end well in your life. Don’t drop your phone down the drain, because there are plague rats in London, unlike Glasgow, and you don’t want to meet one when you are reaching down to grab your phone out from the sewer. Make sure that nobody treats you like a plague rat because this is mean, if anyone does you must smite them with your degree and explain in simple terms that you are cleverer than them. Because you are. And because everybody’s free to move to London if they want to, if they want to move on to bigger and better things in the theatre world. Hey, everybody’s free if that’s what you really, really want to do. Now remember all the compliments that you’ve received and forget all the bad times when you were down and unhappy. Rise above us. Shake us off. Stand free from us and exclaim “Glasgow showed me the way, but London is where I will make the fire and settle down and eat my meat.” Thank everyone when you receive your Tony™ and your Oscar™ and your nomination for Prime Minister™. You could run this country. But you can also make great art. So make great art first and win lots of things and win the hearts and minds of the people. This is important. But always thank Glasgow because it showed you the way. Because everybody’s free to move to London if they want to, if they want to move on to bigger and better things in the theatre world. Hey, everybody’s free if that’s what you really, really want to do. What you really, really want to do (repeat til fade)

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